Memoires Of A Pommy Faux-Pas

As the British Autumn continues to pay homage to the highlands, It is the Aussies, it seems, who have unwittingly transpired light years ahead in the fashion files. Who’d have thought the students of Erinsborough High and Sumer Bay would seem so savvy in their stylish school dresses circa 2013 as the nineties remain influence supreme.

    Ahh the nineties, such fond memories of unsurpassed youthful awkwardness, I recall my ongoing incurable obsession with boy bands and (thinking back) distinctively un-cute celebrities from yesteryear (enter Con Bordino from the T.V show Heartbreak High-the shame!), My mother excitedly screeching to an entire supermarket of bemused shoppers, proudly declaring the news that her then severely mortified thirteen year old was officially becoming a women, but perhaps my personal highlight was undoubtedly what is now commonly referred to as ‘poo-on-shoe gate’ in which I unwittingly trampled a pile of gooey-fresh and particularly smelly dog mess round the school hallways, bewildered as to it’s both its origin and why with scrupled noses, my fellow students refused to sit within three feet the whole day. Tragic!

Wonderbras And Tamagotchis Optional

Who would have thought the ghastly getups of a 13 year old self could possibly give the post-pubescent  panache of a twenty-something  style savvy somebody a serious run for its dolla?!

The nineties conjure up a host of hits and hideous faux-pas in the style stakes...(not to mention the dodgy hair-dos, cringe-worthy crushes, and of course the utter debauchery of teenage high school politics). Yet, by some modern-day miracle plaid pants are once again plastered on pins-a-plenty and the crowds at Camden resemble the cast of clueless in a radical retro revival. Fresh for the fashion faculty of fall ’13 we bring you not-so nightmarish nineties negligee know-how (Wonderbra and Tamagotchi optional)

Over the past few years, grunge has been dominating my whole look, and looking a little like an extra from my so-called life slash sister act two is something of which I have become an expert...and admittedly at times a bit of a laughing stock (who’s laughing now my mom jean clad minions?!)

 Alas I admit, in a time where teenage boys admired older girls peered between curtains not in the living room, and trendy teens the world over and the likes of Crawford and co were working walkers shortbread poster girl and Rupert the bear rad, sadly I was not.

 Truth be known I was anything but nifty in the nineties. I was in fact slightly un cool (to say the least), and for me an agonising decade of adolescence was, for the most part, spent hidden under a plethora of unsightly sports tracksuits and behind an ever so ugly and rather unruly fringe.                                                                     

Boiler Suits And Scary Baddies

I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for boiler suits, looking back I imagine this is largely owed to my favourite bright red heavy duty ‘flying suit’ I wore back in the day. Of course my sister had the exact same one which my mother would insist she dressed us in simultaneously, we looked so smart!.. (we looked like a cheeky pair of chubby Sylvanian-sized grease monkeys!). Being made to dress exactly the same as someone else is something which would no doubt infuriate me these days, but the truth is back then I secretly quite liked it, as anything which meant looking and being even half as cool as my big sister, was o.k by me.

So yes, my love of them has been long lived, I also always supposed that guys found them sort of sexy too, in a girl-in-any-pilfered-boyfriend-baggies + heels=surely enormously attractive kind of way, which could surely only be a bonus, right?!...Sadly, however, this illusion was recently shattered when my boyfriend pointed out there was nothing remotely sexy about dressing like Michael Myers!  Charming!

Work It!..Baby Work It

Well it’s January again- where does the time go?! Seems like only yesterday I was rocking my cats on holiday sweater and dungarees ready for a fresh new year of playing in the water tank and milk time in the reading area (even at the age of 4 I like to think I was somewhat the fashionista). So here we are a fresh new year, and whilst my days of Topsy and Tim and Uno at wet playtimes are truly over, I find myself once again equally as excited by sumptuous spring work wear as I once was about my shiny school shell suit.

January Sales=Pale Beached Whales

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a bargain babe. I love nothing more in life than thrills at the tills. I can barely contain my excitement as that £40 sweater I’ve been eyeing up for months is finally about to be mine, grinning like the Cheshire cat, my heart beating so wildly it could pop out my chest at any given moment. Then as the assistant scans the label reading now just £18 I struggle to refrain from letting out a huge homer Simpson style “Woo-Hoo” …and repeatedly thank god for tena lady.

I always find the January sales, however, a total nightmare and quite frankly bloody frightening. Hordes of Mac-clad ladies wait anxiously frozen cheeked outside the doors at 5am under the cover of darkness, intensely throwing each other daggers of death as they stomp their hooves and prepare to charge the store. Once inside they frantically snatch garments off the railing and barge their way to the tills.

It all gets a little bit handbags at dawn, and furthermore nobody seems to understand that not at all are they investing in beautifully crafted stylish gems, but rather snapping up the rejects from bargain bucket which will no doubt do nothing for their post Christmas figure or pale washed out I havn’t been away since two summers ago-skin, and almost certainly leave them looking kind of, well, pale beached-whale.

Perhaps worst of all though, we all know that these ‘bargains’ are destined to remain hanging lifeless at the back of our wardrobes, tags still attached gathering dust and diminishing street credibility for years to come.

This year I beg you, don’t be drawn into traditional tat! New Year, new you: save your pennies for those spring time treats that will have you looking more chic and cheerful and bang on the money!